CHAOS TRANSFORMED

Part II: Inner Critic

When you have a rich inner world but the inability to express yourself, you start pulling inwards. For instance, when your opinions and values are consistently dismissed and you’re told that you are either too dramatic, sensitive, or that you make no sense, you turn those thoughts inwards. You start walking through scenarios before expressing them out loud. You censor yourself before others can tear you down. You start having full conversations in your head anticipating how the other person would respond and adjusting accordingly. Most times shutting yourself down and not saying anything at all.

It is a defense mechanism based on the fear of being judged for being your authentic self. Worse than that you find other ways to suppress your voice without other people having to say a word. Through numbing (medications, recreational drugs, sex, food… distractions) you bury your voice away until you cause yourself harm in avoiding your self-expression.

I have done this for years in the guise of being a people pleaser, loyal partner, filial daughter. But it ate me up inside every time I swallowed my feelings, thoughts, and words to make it more palatable for others. I started seeing myself as less important, not deserving of anything good, stupid and worthless. Once these thoughts latch on and your inner voice turn into the inner critic nitpicking at all your flaws and downplaying all your wins.

It took many years to develop the inner strength to stop the critic when it pops up. It is a constant battle, but I was able to be fine with losing people to gain my voice back. I confronted ones that perpetuated my feeling of inferiority by asking them if they really meant what they said. Whether they thought my opinions are stupid or that I am. I pushed back when I kept being pressured to say yes when my whole being was screaming no.

I started journaling my thoughts and sharing them on social media to show others that their voices are important, they are important, they were just misunderstood like me. And once I found my soul sisters that listened to my ideas and told me that they understood what I was trying to convey, I felt further emboldened to share.

My words are not meant for everyone, but if I could empower even one person, that is enough and my inner voice quietly agrees and shifts.

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