CHAOS TRANSFORMED

Growing up as a woman, you are always taught to be “nice,” “a good girl,” “low maintenance” because that is praise and when I am wanted. Seeing the women around me running themselves ragged with work, managing a household, dealing with finances while keeping silent at the unfair distribution was the norm. At church, we are taught that because we sin, we are subjected to pain. It is glorified free labor under the guise of manipulation to serve one group over the fair distribution of responsibility and making it a cultural norm. Not only are women expected to labor at home with keeping the house in order, but some have to hold careers outside the home as well. Even if they do this to other people’s liking, they get societal pressures to maintain a healthy and sexy body where models are carefully selected to have shapes that most of us won’t achieve no matter how painfully we go at dieting and working out. It’s always a moving target, one that pushes you to anxiety, depression, jealousy, and constant vigilance.

I fell for these external expectations that were unwittingly thrusted on me. I believed if I dieted like those I admired or denied myself the food I liked and only ate “healthy,” I would become the ideal and be chosen. Was I chosen? Yes, but I was miserable denying myself the occasional treats, hangry all the time following rigid food standards, and pushing my body when it was depleted. My body revolted by keeping the fat thinking I was starving (which I essentially was) and my cravings came back with a vengeance. Rinse and repeat until I was prediabetic, miserable, and gorging myself if I took one misstep. This became a lifelong pattern, one I couldn’t understand since there are people who don’t need to do much to maintain a healthy weight where I just look at food and feel like I have gained 5 lbs. Was it a self control problem? Am I just unable to reach a good healthy weight because I don’t have the discipline to stick to things that are good for me? Am I doomed to push myself away from all pleasures so I can show that I am dedicated to reaching the ideals set externally? This went on for years until I reached out for an ADHD assessment after noticing how many things fell through the cracks while caring for my toddler. I had combination ADHD and with the right medication, my insatiable hunger subsided even with things I loved to eat before. Effortlessly. Then I had the motivation to workout on my own, spurred by friends who also worked out regularly. That created a chain effect and allowed me to be able to follow through with tasks. I thought life was supposed to be hard. That suffering builds character, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. But truthfully, when you find out what joy and pleasures are your things should flow effortlessly. Pain is an indicator that something isn’t working, but the root cause is something you need to actively figure out. Being in pain, being a martyr, feeling trapped by external standards are not what we are here for. We are here to remember how we can grow and expand effortlessly and show others how to break free of these lies. Pain is not devotion, anyone who tells you otherwise is either being ignorant or benefiting from it. So don’t make my mistake, look towards what would make your life effortlessly smooth and happy.

How have you broken free and made yourself a priority?