When your wound lies in communication, you are often chastised for speaking your truth. You are called too much, too weird, not adding anything of value, words that make you doubt your words and ultimately your self-expression and worth. I have been there myself for a major part of my life. When speaking, people called my thoughts, ideas, and just conversational connection weird, makes no sense, dumb, or just to shut up. It’s one thing to hear that from strangers, I can deal with that. When it comes from loved ones or friends, it hits differently. When people you choose to be vulnerable with and safe enough to express yourself dismiss you, it’s like maybe I don’t know myself, maybe they are right. I chose to trust them and respect them, so why would they want to hurt me by putting me down like that.
So I started to say less, criticize myself to prepare for anything they could throw at me, staying silent even when I had something to say. When you don’t express yourself, especially for people like me who needs to talk out possible solutions to get over things or process my emotions, I started ignoring my own needs. If my opinions don’t count, it must be because I don’t matter. The only parts I can express are ones people interact with, praise, befriend, or tolerate. I lose myself in external validation always seeking other’s approval, changing myself as needed to be accepted. Slowly I stopped trying to check-in with myself. I commit to whatever interests others want me to be, trusting everyone but myself. But there are always parts of me that fight against this way of life. A part that says I matter.
When I hit my rock bottom on my 30th birthday, a friend showed me what people who really value you would do. Instead of treating me like an afterthought or burden, this friend surprised me with a plane ride to NYC early in the morning, took me to my first escape room, try trending donuts, and took me to see Wicked on Broadway. She fell asleep planning and executing this day and made me realize if they wanted to, they would make the effort. After spending the day with someone who enjoyed spending time with me, listening to things I have expressed in the past and tucking it away for a time it mattered, I found myself wanting to be myself more. Telling people my thoughts, feelings, and desires to see what they do with the information. I learned that being myself, truly myself, and letting others react to that helps me filter out those who truly are meant to be in my life vs temporary connections.
I never needed to just accept other’s ideas of me. I just needed to trust that my truth will allow those meant to stay in my life stay, and those who disagree to leave without anger or bitterness. I started living by the philosophy: I would rather be disliked for being myself than be liked for pretending to be someone else.
Sometimes you need someone to hear you and stay with you even when you are at your worse to realize you are good enough just the way you are. That your opinions matter. That you should talk more instead of less. That value is internal and the right ones will shine a light when your voice is drowned by a very superficial world where there’s a normal and unacceptable way to communicate.
Trust yourself, trust your inner knowing, your words are magic and the right people will get it.
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When did you have the 💡moment to trust yourself and speak your truth ?
CHAOS TRANSFORMED 
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