When fear becomes your identity and speaking feels more dangerous than silence, your body reacts before you even consciously take any action. Sometimes it comes in the form of anxiety.
“What if I sound stupid?”
“What if they misinterpret this and shun me?”
“What if this destroys my self-confidence because people no longer validate me?”
Questions like that can shut down even the strongest person. But this is just the beginning of the slippery slope to the real fall. The real bottom is self-sabotaging before others can judge you. It starts small; self-deprecating humor before others say something; putting yourself down when you make the smallest mistake; going through all the hurtful things someone could say so you aren’t shocked when they do.
“I’d rather hurt myself than give you the satisfaction of catching me off guard.”
But the consequence of doing this is never feeling good enough to express your truth. You turn your internal word and voice into a hyper-alert and hyper-vigilant critic, always seeing the negative and downplaying the positives in your life. Your voice becomes an echo of others in the worst sense and silent unless someone asks for your opinion, which they rarely do, since you never add any value (says your inner critic).
This was dominant in my 20s, when people whom I loved and devoted myself to started saying things like,
“I don’t know why you have so many friends. You are so weird and awkward.”
Or when they downplayed my social skills by saying,
“Oh, I’ve been copying you, asking stupid questions to build rapport, and they open up.”
Once I saw the pattern of those hurtful words, I withdrew, slowly, quietly, eating my words, feelings, and self-worth until I drowned in added weight, low self-esteem, and protection by staying small. I no longer felt safe saying my thoughts, censored myself when I felt proud, and cried more than I’d like to admit.
I no longer trusted many people with my real feelings or thoughts, just let myself slowly dim until I broke down and needed medication to manage my depression. Even with medicine, I continued to feel down because the one who was supposed to love me the most said things like,
“You might need a higher dosage if you’re still depressed. You need it.”
It took me many years to confront them. They responded by saying they said those things to hurt me.
I don’t want to hold on to this pain anymore. I don’t want to be diplomatic and quiet. I want to own my worth so that I know who I am, despite what anyone says or does. Slowly, as I write and speak my experiences, I gain more insight. I start seeing the true me, outside of doubt, expectations, depression, and hyper-vigilance.
I can articulate my needs. I can say no without the guilt or anxiety.
I will no longer destroy myself for another or for survival. I will be my own cheerleader, in words and deeds. I witness myself, flaws and all, and say what I want to say, not what I think they need to hear.
Because slowly, I am trusting my thoughts, feelings, and words.
I own them.
I stand by them.
And I refuse to silence or hurt myself by swallowing them.
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What are some ways you self-sabotage?
CHAOS TRANSFORMED 
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