CHAOS TRANSFORMED

I was not meant to be small. I have always been loud, opinionated, a bit vain, definitely thought finding a partner was my greatest happiness. I bought into the Disney & Hollywood narrative that you find your prince and live happily ever after.

What a load of shit. The real unhappiness comes once they get comfortable with having you. They start wanting you to do most of the mental, emotional, and even physical labor. Even the best relationships I have known have uneven distribution of labor. And if you want to keep the peace and feel like your worth is tied to being with your “prince,” you try to appease them by suppressing your own needs. Instead of arguing about how they aren’t doing enough at home and having them ignore you for days on end, you just swallow those needs through doing it yourself.

You start retreating within, become hyper independent, and for me eating my feelings. I gained over 20-30 lbs quickly because I would be too depressed to do anything outside of watching shows and retail therapy. I felt like I was losing control of my life, my identity, my desires and clung onto the only things I can control : food I can consume and things I can buy. Once this happens it causes a train reaction where my health suffered, accumulation of too many things in the home (clutter), and which leads to overwhelm. Rinse and repeat.

It was not until I realized I was getting thoughts of harming myself that I knew I hit rock bottom. I seeked a psychiatrist to help diagnose me and we went on a trial and error of different medications until I was not crying everyday. When the smallest slight made me feel physically pained that my whole face convulsed.

At first, one medication would work and I felt like rainbows and sunshine all the time. But once it stopped, I felt the overwhelming ache and darkness that threatened to swallow me. All of this made me feel so alone even when surrounded by loved ones. Once we found one, I was able to think more clearly.

Using this as a starting point, I was able to stop trying to manage other people’s expectations of me. If I was disappointing or unrefined, I let it go. I didn’t worry about all the mess I had or pride or anything like that. I just focused on keeping my mental state neutrally so I could nourish myself. I figured that I only have myself to lean on so why put more pressure on myself. This helped me open up more to the right people who showed me that I am valuable just as I am, no performance needed.

At home, I stopped chasing validation when they pulled away, I just let them be. I spent time taking walks with my dog, met up with friends, talked with family. I started taking interests in things that were solely for me. I gave permission to myself for alone time and learned to stop being passive aggressive and voice how I felt little by little.

I did this at home and at work. If people don’t like me for being myself, it’s still better than them liking a mask I put on. It’s like an automatic filter to remove people with ulterior motives, surface level friendships, and allowed me to see who people really are. I don’t apologize for taking up space, or wanting, or doing things for myself (called selfish by some) because I refuse to keep sacrificing myself for other’s comfort. If they like me, great. If they don’t, it’s not a me problem. I am enough and do not need others to validate my value.

For more of my content :

What were some things you used to do to keep the peace ?